One Orthodox Mother's Perspective on Positive Discipline

When I was having my first child, I heard about many parenting books I should read.  And I avoided them like the plague.  After all, none of the "experts" agree on the best way to raise children.  Some take the Old Testament stance "spare the rod spoil the child."  Others go to the opposite extreme, "Don't spank children.  Let them do what they want, and they'll be just fine."  And, of course, if you admit to using any particular form of discipline with your children someone will be offended by your choice and have plenty of advice to give about why you're doing it wrong.  So, long ago, I figured I'd just do what I thought best and muddle through as best I could.  After all, that’s what my parents had done, and my four sisters and I largely turned out okay.

            Then, two months ago my daughter's school offered a Positive Discipline class.  I'll admit right here that about that time I had been feeling like every day was a failing fight to gain some sort of order in the house and cooperation from the kids.  No one wanted to pick up after herself.  Everyone wanted to do her own thing, go to bed when she wants, eat all the junk she wants, etc.  And the girls were picking at each other over every little thing.  I found myself waking up in a grumpy mood, feeling tense all the time, constantly shouting "just stop it" or "pick up your toys."  So, I decided I should swallow my pride, admit I don't know everything about parenting, and take this class.

            Now I went into it hoping it would be helpful but expecting it really to be a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" that would likely offend my Orthodox sensibilities.  To my pleasant surprise, I was wrong.  The essential foundation to this method of discipline is one of which our Lord would certainly approve.  Discipline should teach kids the skills they need to become happy, well-adjusted adults, and above all it should be kind, firm, and respectful to all.  Okay, I've heard this elsewhere already, and I know that in the moment it's hard to do.  I have started off kind and firm on many occasions, only to meet with stubborn, resolute opposition, and find myself shouting, "That's enough.  Just go to your room."

            So, how do you implement kind and firm discipline?  Well, that's the next thing I loved about this class.  It provided a variety of tools to use in any situation.  If one doesn't work, move on and try another, or let your child decide how to handle the situation.  Never revert to shame or punishment, always act with respect and love.  Sometimes it's as simple as diffusing the situation with a hug.  Other times might call for curiosity questions that encourage children to think for themselves, make choices, and live with the natural consequences of those choices.  And if no one can decide how to handle a given situation, you can turn it over to the Wheel of Choice.  This is a tool that can be made with your children before problems arise.  Basically, it's a pie graph that names all the things that might help your child to calm down, think rationally, or get out of a sticky situation.

            My favorite tool by far, though, is the family meeting.  We've held two of these.  If there's a problem and you don't know how to handle it in the moment, put it on a family agenda.  Then once a week at the family meeting, everyone can give ideas for solutions, and come to a consensus to try out for a week.  After a week, you can re-evaluate and adjust the solution as necessary.  Let me give you a few examples from my life.

            As I mentioned above getting everyone to pick up their things is a big challenge in our household.  So, we stole an idea from other families who use Positive Discipline, and at our family meeting we agreed to make a "disappearing box."  If things were left out in common areas, anyone could warn the owner and then put them in the disappearing box if they were still not put away.  Items remained in the box for a week until the next meeting or could be retrieved by paying a 50¢ fine.  There was definite improvement after a week, but when it came time for Saturday morning bedroom cleaning, we hit a wall.  So, we put the issue back on the agenda and revised it.  We added a stipulation that if you didn't clean your stuff on Saturday, you couldn't get your disappearing box items back that week.  And if anything remained in the box for over two weeks, we would donate those items to Good Will or our church rummage sale.  I haven't had to put anything into the disappearing box for a couple of days, so I am hopeful that this is the beginning of a new habit in our family.

            Another example of Positive Discipline working in our family involves our daily routines.  Everyone knows that children need familiar routines to feel comfortable and happy.  Positive Discipline encourages you to let your child create her own routines for those parts of the day that you most need it.  For us, this is bedtime for Bumble Bee, and after school through bedtime for Hummingbird.  So, last weekend, I sat down with each of the girls, and we made lists of everything that needed to get done for them to complete their routines.  For Bumble Bee's bedtime routine, this meant having dinner, putting on pajamas, saying prayers, brushing teeth, reading a story, and being tucked in.  We let her choose the order in which everything would happen.  Then, we made a poster with words and pictures of the order of the routine.  Now, when we finish dinner, instead of saying, "It's time to brush your teeth" a million times.  I can say, "What's next on your routine chart?"  And she knows what she needs to do next and does it.

            One final premise that I'd like to mention about Positive Discipline is that everyone, including children, need to feel a sense of belonging and significance.  At church this manifests itself and is fulfilled by serving as altar boys, singing in the choir, or even passing the collection basket.  Oftentimes, when we get home to our busy lives, though, it seems easier to take care of tasks ourselves so they'll get done more quickly or better.  Children's contributions aren't needed as they once were.  However, it can make a great difference if we allow them to contribute as they can.  So, when I first started the Positive Discipline class, I realized that there was plenty my children wanted to do to help, but I was in too much a hurry to let them.  Now, they take turns watering the plants, which I always forgot anyway.  Hummingbird sets the table every night, and Bumble Bee helps me cook.  She takes kids' cooking classes from time to time and loves to cook!  So, I stopped rushing about and started letting them both contribute.

            This method of discipline may not be right for everyone, and my family is not perfect.  We are still learning to implement it and trying to remember all of the tools at our disposal in the heat of the moment.  However, I already feel we're making some small progress.  Just as we are taught in the Church that sin is just missing the mark, and we can repent and try again.  So, too, Positive Discipline emphasizes that mistakes will be made and each misbehavior or mistake is an opportunity to learn a new life skill or practice what we've already learned.  If you are looking for a new method of discipline that teaches children the values we all wish we had anyway, Christian values really, this is a great option. There are many books, and tools you can buy to help you implement Positive Discipline.  They may be useful, although for some of them you could certainly create your own versions, so I don't necessarily recommend jumping online and buying them.  I do recommend checking out the Positive Discipline Blog, though, where you can learn more and get a few tips to get started.

Meeting of the Lord Craft

On February 2, we'll be celebrating the Meeting (Presentation) of the Lord in the Temple.  This day is also sometimes referred to as Candlemas (which I love) because on this day prayer candles are blessed during the liturgy.  This feast day seems to me to be the somewhat forgotten feast of the major feasts of the Lord.  We've just finished celebrating Christmas, which took so much time and energy, followed by Theophany.  It is so easy to want to "take a break" and forget this feast.  However, this is an important and beautiful feast, and it is one we should commemorate with great joy.

            According to Jewish custom, and still today in some Orthodox churches, mother and child are kept away from the temple/church for 40 days after childbirth.  Thus, after 40 days after His birth, Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the Temple in Jerusalem to complete Mary's ritual purification and to perform the redemption of the firstborn, in obedience to the Law of Moses.  (Take note that we celebrate this feast 40 days after Christmas.)  It was at the Presentation that the Prophetess Anna and St. Symeon met the Lord. St. Symeon recognized Him as the Messiah, praying:

                        Lord, now lettest Thou Thy servant depart in peace, according to Thy         word, for mine eyes have seen Thy salvation, which Thou hast prepared before the          face of all people: a light to lighten the gentiles and to be the glory of Thy people      Israel (Luke 2:29-32).

This meeting marks a transition between the Old Testament and the New Testament fulfilled in Christ the Lord.  So, while the rest of the world has left the Christmas feast and forgotten about the baby Jesus, let us remember Him today and remember the promise and hope for salvation that His birth and presentation set in motion.

Since candles will be blessed on this day, we'll be making candle crafts to celebrate it.  Below you'll find two activities, one for older children and one for younger children.  After you make your candle, have it blessed.  Then, light the candle for a family meal or at family prayer time and allow your child to say the blessing or a special prayer.

Votive Holder

Supplies:

Glass jar or votive holder

Tissue paper, cut into 1 inch squares (or so)

Decoupage glue

Thumbnail icon of the Meeting ofthe Lord; hymns/prayers of the day

Scissors or paper cutter

Packing Tape (optional)

Blue transparent paint (optional)

Sequins, gems, etc (optional)

Directions:

1. Glue tissue paper to glass.

2. Cut out icon and glue over the tissue paper.  If the ink runs, start again and cover in packing tape.*  Repeat with prayers.

3. Glue icon to the glass and glue prayers opposite icon.

4. Paint any gaps and extra decorations of choice. (Optional)

* In the past, I have had trouble with homemade prints running when using the decoupage glue.  However, as Bumble Bee and I made the instructional video, I found that putting tape on both sides of the icon made it fall off the votive holder.  After making the video, I noticed that over the next 24 hours the blue from the tissue paper seemed to soak through when I covered only the front of the icon.  We did do one more test and found that our icon was okay with no protective covering this time.  It may be something about the particular glue, so try what feels best, and be prepared to alter course if need be.

Worldview: Power Politics of GMOs Destroying Our Well-Being

So it's been quite awhile since I've said anything on here.  I've been meaning to write a review of an awesome pizza place here in Chicago, and I will be doing that later this week.  What has finally motivated me enough to tap away at the keyboard is a podcast that I listened to earlier today.

Yesterday afternoon my husband had asked me if I had listened to the day's episode of Worldview on WBEZ.  I hadn't, and he told me that I really needed to listen because it touched on all of the things that make my blood boil.  He was certainly right.  For years now I have been flabbergasted and angry that big agro is allowed to create genetically modified seeds, patent them, and then nail small farmers to the wall and contaminate organic farms.

Well, it is well worth listening to Jerome McDonnell's interview with Dr. Vandana Shiva.  As much as this topics riles me up and makes me want to yell at the management of Monsanto and other big agro businesses, I have a bit of hope that with people like Dr. Shiva speaking out and working to stop them, we may eventually effect a change that will bring us more in line with nature and healthier lives.  If you're not convinced to give up 45 minutes of your time to listen, envision eating food that has been sprayed with agent orange... because we almost certainly are.

Now if you're ready for your blood to boil but have a little hope, too, take a listen. 

Then, you might follow up with this segment on eating organic.

When you're done check out Slow Foods. Even if you don't drop everything to become an activist, Slow Foods will keep you up to date on legislation that is being pushed through congress on this issue.  They even make it easy to contact your representatives and make your voice heard.

Gratitude and Blessing Tree Craft

There is a little girl whose toy box is not overflowing with toys but is full enough to keep her occupied for hours.  She is not a spoiled little girl.  But after playing when her mom tells her it is time to clean up, this little girl would rather see her toys given away or thrown away than put them away herself.  Literally.  As I watched this child refusing to put her toys away for her mom and telling her mom she could throw them away, I thought to myself, this child is just not grateful for her blessings

The more I thought about this particular situation, the more I realized it is not an isolated problem.  We live in a time and place where even though "times are hard," we as a society are more comfortable than many kings of old.  Most of those around us can afford to have the things we want when we want them (or shortly thereafter).  We gather to ourselves all sorts of gadgets and goodies.  Then we see a friend with an even better gadget, and we begin to feel deprived, and forget to be thankful.

I know another little girl whose mother plans innumerable outings and fun activities to do with her, but the girl is not allowed to participate in some activity or other, she throws it in her mother's face and calls her mother mean and swears that her mother never let's her do anything fun.  There is also a man at my church who was out of work, and when he found a job it was clear that things were looking up.  But after a month or so, he began complaining about all sorts of other problems and was certain that things were just going to get worse.

I know that in my family, too, when we first receive a blessing, we are mindful of it for a time.   We do pray and thank the Lord for the good He has given us.  Nonetheless, I see that the gratitude is not long lived.  Before I know it, we are moving on to the next thing we want or focusing on the next problem that needs to be solved.  And it can begin to look like the man at my church is right.  There is always another problem around the bend…Why is it that despite the many blessings we have, we can only see what is lacking?

In 1Thessalonians, Saint Paul tells us to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (5:16-18).  How do we instill gratitude in our children and in ourselves?  How do we remind ourselves of the many blessings that surround us when we are in the midst of difficult times, or when we see others with so much more than us?

Clearly, it is important to be mindful.  Yet, that is not so easily done.  I need reminders about all sorts of things just to get through my day and accomplish something.  Here, too, reminders would be helpful.  This time of year, we're usually pretty mindful as we approach Thanksgiving.  My daughter's school is focusing on gratitude as their character-building trait of the month.  Many people make "Gratitude Trees" for Thanksgiving.  But once Thanksgiving passes, we tend to stop being so mindful. 

So, in addition to creating a “Blessing Tree” with my children, I have decided to create a gratitude tree poster to hang year-round.  Placed near an icon corner, it would be a clear reminder during daily prayers of the many things for which we should be grateful and thank the Lord.  I usually have a craft with instructions, but a quick Google search reveals a multitude of ideas for creating your own, if you so choose.  And this is but one reminder; I would love to hear what ideas you have for remembering to be grateful for your many blessings and reminding those close to you, as well.

Blessing Tree Craft

Supplies:

• Toilet paper roll
• Brown, yellow, red, orange, green construction paper
• Scissors
• Glue
• Markers

Directions:

1. Cut brown construction paper to the size of the toilet paper roll.  Put glue onto the roll and wrap the construction paper around it. 
2. Cut more strips out of the brown construction paper for branches.
3. Cut leaves out of the other construction paper, and write things your child is grateful for.
4. Glue leaves to branches and then glue branches to the inner edge of the tree.