When I was having my first child, I heard about many
parenting books I should read. And I
avoided them like the plague. After all,
none of the "experts" agree on the best way to raise children. Some take the Old Testament stance
"spare the rod spoil the child."
Others go to the opposite extreme, "Don't spank children. Let them do what they want, and they'll be
just fine." And, of course, if you
admit to using any particular form of discipline with your children someone
will be offended by your choice and have plenty of advice to give about why
you're doing it wrong. So, long ago, I
figured I'd just do what I thought best and muddle through as best I could. After all, that’s what my parents had done,
and my four sisters and I largely turned out okay.
Then, two
months ago my daughter's school offered a Positive Discipline class. I'll admit right here that about that time I
had been feeling like every day was a failing fight to gain some sort of order
in the house and cooperation from the kids.
No one wanted to pick up after herself.
Everyone wanted to do her own thing, go to bed when she wants, eat all
the junk she wants, etc. And the girls
were picking at each other over every little thing. I found myself waking up in a grumpy mood,
feeling tense all the time, constantly shouting "just stop it" or
"pick up your toys." So, I
decided I should swallow my pride, admit I don't know everything about
parenting, and take this class.
Now I went
into it hoping it would be helpful but expecting it really to be a bunch of
"mumbo jumbo" that would likely offend my Orthodox
sensibilities. To my pleasant surprise,
I was wrong. The essential foundation to
this method of discipline is one of which our Lord would certainly
approve. Discipline should teach kids
the skills they need to become happy, well-adjusted adults, and above all it
should be kind, firm, and respectful to all.
Okay, I've heard this elsewhere already, and I know that in the moment
it's hard to do. I have started off kind
and firm on many occasions, only to meet with stubborn, resolute opposition,
and find myself shouting, "That's enough.
Just go to your room."
So, how do
you implement kind and firm discipline?
Well, that's the next thing I loved about this class. It provided a variety of tools to use in any
situation. If one doesn't work, move on
and try another, or let your child decide how to handle the situation. Never revert to shame or punishment, always
act with respect and love. Sometimes
it's as simple as diffusing the situation with a hug. Other times might call for curiosity
questions that encourage children to think for themselves, make choices, and
live with the natural consequences of those choices. And if no one can decide how to handle a
given situation, you can turn it over to the Wheel of Choice. This is a tool that can be made with your
children before problems arise.
Basically, it's a pie graph that names all the things that might help
your child to calm down, think rationally, or get out of a sticky situation.
My favorite
tool by far, though, is the family meeting.
We've held two of these. If
there's a problem and you don't know how to handle it in the moment, put it on
a family agenda. Then once a week at the
family meeting, everyone can give ideas for solutions, and come to a consensus
to try out for a week. After a week, you
can re-evaluate and adjust the solution as necessary. Let me give you a few examples from my life.
As I
mentioned above getting everyone to pick up their things is a big challenge in
our household. So, we stole an idea from
other families who use Positive Discipline, and at our family meeting we agreed
to make a "disappearing box."
If things were left out in common areas, anyone could warn the owner and
then put them in the disappearing box if they were still not put away. Items remained in the box for a week until
the next meeting or could be retrieved by paying a 50¢ fine.
There was definite improvement after a week, but when it came time for
Saturday morning bedroom cleaning, we hit a wall. So, we put the issue back on the agenda and
revised it. We added a stipulation that
if you didn't clean your stuff on Saturday, you couldn't get your disappearing
box items back that week. And if
anything remained in the box for over two weeks, we would donate those items to
Good Will or our church rummage sale. I
haven't had to put anything into the disappearing box for a couple of days, so
I am hopeful that this is the beginning of a new habit in our family.
Another
example of Positive Discipline working in our family involves our daily
routines. Everyone knows that children
need familiar routines to feel comfortable and happy. Positive Discipline encourages you to let
your child create her own routines for those parts of the day that you most
need it. For us, this is bedtime for
Bumble Bee, and after school through bedtime for Hummingbird. So, last weekend, I sat down with each of the
girls, and we made lists of everything that needed to get done for them to
complete their routines. For Bumble
Bee's bedtime routine, this meant having dinner, putting on pajamas, saying
prayers, brushing teeth, reading a story, and being tucked in. We let her choose the order in which
everything would happen. Then, we made a
poster with words and pictures of the order of the routine. Now, when we finish dinner, instead of
saying, "It's time to brush your teeth" a million times. I can say, "What's next on your routine
chart?" And she knows what she
needs to do next and does it.
One final
premise that I'd like to mention about Positive Discipline is that everyone,
including children, need to feel a sense of belonging and significance. At church this manifests itself and is
fulfilled by serving as altar boys, singing in the choir, or even passing the
collection basket. Oftentimes, when we
get home to our busy lives, though, it seems easier to take care of tasks
ourselves so they'll get done more quickly or better. Children's contributions aren't needed as
they once were. However, it can make a
great difference if we allow them to contribute as they can. So, when I first started the Positive
Discipline class, I realized that there was plenty my children wanted to do to
help, but I was in too much a hurry to let them. Now, they take turns watering the plants,
which I always forgot anyway.
Hummingbird sets the table every night, and Bumble Bee helps me cook. She takes kids' cooking classes from time to
time and loves to cook! So, I stopped
rushing about and started letting them both contribute.
This method
of discipline may not be right for everyone, and my family is not perfect. We are still learning to implement it and
trying to remember all of the tools at our disposal in the heat of the
moment. However, I already feel we're
making some small progress. Just as we
are taught in the Church that sin is just missing the mark, and we can repent
and try again. So, too, Positive
Discipline emphasizes that mistakes will be made and each misbehavior or mistake
is an opportunity to learn a new life skill or practice what we've already
learned. If you are looking for a new
method of discipline that teaches children the values we all wish we had
anyway, Christian values really, this is a great option. There are many books,
and tools you can buy to help you implement Positive Discipline. They may be useful, although for some of them
you could certainly create your own versions, so I don't necessarily recommend
jumping online and buying them. I do
recommend checking out the Positive Discipline Blog, though, where you can
learn more and get a few tips to get started.
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