Thoughts about Forgiveness on Forgiveness Sunday (published a week later)

I wrote this post a week ago but hesitated to publish it at the time because the news shared at liturgy was not "public" outside of two parishes.  The situation is slightly different now, and so it is time for me to share these thoughts.

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It is late tonight.  I've been home from Forgiveness Vespers for a couple of hours now.  As I woke up this morning, I thought the day ahead would be one of forgiveness and a clean slate.  But as I sit here growing tired, I find that today was not what I expected it to be.

First, I heard a bit of bad news at the end of Liturgy today.  We were informed that Bishop Matthias is being asked to step down.  He was given until the end of the week to "decide" how to do it.  That is why I'm not actually publishing this tonight.  I don't want to overstep my authority, which is none, to make such an announcement.  This news has put a bad taste in my mouth for a few reasons.  The first of which is that during his leave of absence the Bishop has spent a fair bit of time at Holy Trinity.  He has made the effort to get to know more of the parishioners.  He has been kind and engaging with adults and kids alike.  He has shown NO signs of unacceptable behavior.  Follow this with the fact that he has done everything the Synod asked of him, including seeking treatment and submitting to a psychological evaluation to ensure that he's not a predator (and multiple parties have declared that he is not).  I certainly only have secondhand information, so perhaps I'm mistaken about things.  But it seems to me that he is now being unjustly persecuted for reasons that have nothing to do with the scandal that forced his leave of absence.  Indeed, from what I've heard the scandal is a handy excuse being used by those who do not want to follow the Traditions of the church to remove a bishop who wants to uphold Church teachings and Tradition.  The greatest irony of all of this is that the news that he will not be reinstated (dare I say it? that he will not be forgiven, despite his repentance and penance) comes to us on Forgiveness Sunday as we enter a period of repentance and forgiveness.  I understand that some people may not like him, and have quarrels with him.  I even had my own grudge for a time.  

However, despite all of that, as Christians we are asked to forgive one another.  Daily I pray, "...forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..."  This is certainly a hard prayer to pray.  I'm not always the best at forgiving and moving on.  I do hold grudges.  And daily I am reminded how those grudges will hurt me in the end.  Not only do they harm our relationships with each other, but they pose a great risk for our own salvation.  

This past week has been a difficult one in our household.  We've been working on implementing a new discipline technique.  It started off great, but we've now hit the "pushing back hard to get a familiar reaction" stage.  There have been times when I have not wanted to forgive my own daughters.  In moments of frustration and anger, they have said things that hurt at the core of my being.  Shortly after, they would return in a calmer mood and apologize, but I didn't want to hear it.  It hurt, and I wasn't ready to forgive.  I did genuinely forgive them this evening.  Sadly, I know I'm going to have a few more occasions to forgive (or not forgive) them tomorrow, this week.

It can be hard to forgive, whether we're forgiving a stranger, a friend, our children, or a bishop.  It is really hard to forgive someone who hurts, to let go of the hurt, to move on.  It is REALLY hard for us.  It is also really good for us.  It is a necessary tool for rebuilding relationships with the people around us, and with God.  He, of course, is waiting and ready to forgive us for everything, but He asks us to do the same.

I guess this is all to say that I go to bed a little sad tonight because we as a Church are falling short of the ideal for which Christ has asked us to strive.  I know I shouldn't be surprised --we always fall short--, but I can't help hoping we'll hit the goal.

I pray that God may soften hard hearts, and that Bishop Matthias may be allowed to continue to shepherd His flock in the Midwest, for as St. John Chrysostom said, "Since the remembrance of wrongs is clearly contrary to love and harmful to it... Let us flee, brethren, the evil passion of remembering wrongs, lest it hinder our freedom of access before God."

Please forgive me if I have offended you, and may God forgive us all.


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useful link

Blueberry Muffins

I am always on the lookout for a good blueberry muffin recipe, especially one that I can use during Lent.  Muffins are my favorite Lenten breakfast.  Blueberry muffins, however, generally don't turn out well when they are vegan.  I've tried and failed many times.

Today, though, I tried a new recipe.  Bumble Bee wanted banana muffins (our go-to muffin), but I had a bunch of blueberries I wanted to use up before they could go bad.  A quick Google search brought me to a new recipe at the Speckled Palate.  It seemed promising, but I was missing applesauce and didn't want quite so much sugar.  So, I tweaked it just a bit, and with Bumble Bee's assistance, I made a nice batch of blueberry muffins.  I also generally like just to throw everything in and mix, so my step-by-step was a little different, too, but  I don't think my lazy style hurt.

I will admit these aren't strictly Lenten because they do require a smidgen of oil, but if you don't mind that or can wait for an oil & wine day, they're worth the effort.  Even with about a third of the sugar called for in the original, they were still nicely sweetened.

Ingredients

• 1 medium mashed banana
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
• 1½ teaspoons baking powder
• ¼  teaspoon sea salt
• 2 cups fresh blueberries
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• 2 tablespoons white vinegar + 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• ½ cup original flavored soymilk
• water as needed

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Coat the blueberries in 1 tablespoon of flour. Set aside.
3. Stir together salt, sugar, oil, bananas, and vanilla. 
4. Stir in soymilk, baking powder, baking soda and vinegar. (Bumble Bee enjoyed watching it all froth as I added the vinegar.
5. Add flour stirring until just mixed.
6. Add water as needed to make the batter more pourable (I found it to be too doughy with the original liquid content).
7. Fold in blueberries.
8. Bake for 10 minutes or until golden brown.

St. Patrick Stained Glass Shamrock

Is your green ready?  I remember loving St. Patrick’s Day as a child.  My younger sister and I would wear pajamas with green in them the night before to prevent any early morning pinching!  A day when pinching is allowed!  What kid wouldn't love that?!  However, other than the fact that he was associated with Ireland, I really knew nothing about St. Patrick.

Just how did St. Patrick become the "Apostle of Ireland?"  After all, he wasn't native to that land.  Indeed, as a young man of 16 years old, he was taken from his home in England to Ireland by raiders where he lived as a slave for six years before having a vision that told him he would return home.  After a second vision that told him his ship was ready, he escaped, walking 200 miles to reach the ship at the coast and returned home.  Sometime after returning home St. Patrick became a priest.  He wrote of another vision:

I saw a man coming, as it were from Ireland. His name was Victoricus, and he carried many  letters, and he gave me one of them. I read the heading: "The Voice of the Irish". As I began the letter, I imagined in that moment that I heard the voice of those very people who were near the wood of Foclut, which is beside the western sea—and they cried out, as with one voice: "We appeal to you, holy servant boy, to come and walk among us."

De Paor, Liam (1993), Saint Patrick's World: The Christian Culture of Ireland's Apostolic Age, Dublin: Four Courts Press, 100.

Around 432 he returned to Ireland and began preaching the Gospel.  He converted many people and founded churches and monasteries across Ireland.  His was no easy task, however.  As a foreigner and former slave, he faced much hostility.  St. Patrick wrote an autobiography, Confession, in which he tells of the many trials he endured.  It is generally accepted that he died on March 17, 460 (although there is some debate about the year).

There are a few symbols and legends associated with St. Patrick.  Most well known is the shamrock, which St. Patrick used to explain the Holy Trinity.  The shamrock represents the one God, and each leaf represents one person of the Trinity.  The cross pattée, a symbol of Ecclesiastical heraldry on bishops' miters, is often associated with St. Patrick as the founding bishop of the Irish church.

One legend tells of St. Patrick banishing all snakes from Ireland.  After being attached by snakes during a 40-day fast, he chased them into the sea.  Modern scientists are quick to dismiss this legend citing a lack of evidence that snakes ever lived in Ireland.  When taken metaphorically, the meaning of the legend becomes clear and makes perfect sense.  The Druids, spiritual advisors to Celtic kings, wore snake tattoos on their arms.  While there were Christians in Ireland before St. Patrick's mission, he was a major instrument in the proliferation of Christianity, which supplanted the Druids (the snakes in our legend) in Ireland. (Here's a fun link for adults about St. Patrick and the snakes.)

One final legend for today tells of how St. Patrick's walking stick grew into a tree.  During his evangelizing journey, he carried with him an ash wood walking stick, which he thrust into the ground wherever he was evangelizing.  At the place now known as Aspatria (ash of Patrick) it took so long to convert the people that the stick had taken root by the time he was ready to move on.

Now that you have a brief life, symbols, and legends to share with your children, (if you didn't already know them as was partly my situation), let's make a craft to help tell the story.  We are going to make a "stained glass shamrock" with icons of the Trinity and St. Patrick.

Supplies:

9x11" Hot Laminating Sheet & Laminator

            or Self-laminating Sheet

Green tissue paper, cut into small pieces (any shape or size will work, so the kids can do this)

Shamrock Template

Icons of St. Patrick* and the Trinity

            *There are many icons of both online. This one of St. Patrick illustrating some of the      legends and symbols is particularly nice.

Scissors or Paper Cutter

Permanent Marker

String or yarn

Directions:

1. Cut out the shamrock and trace it onto both sides of the laminating sheet.  For self laminating method, only trace shamrock on one sheet.

2. Cut out the icons.

3. Open the sheet up (for self-laminating method, peel the backing off one sheet and place it face up), and place one icon face down in the center.  Add pieces of green tissue paper to fill the shamrock.  It's okay if these lay beyond the lines.

4. Place the second icon face up in the center and close the laminating sheet.

            4a. For self-laminating method, cut out the shamrock with tissue paper. Peel back off of second sheet.  Place backing on work surface, and place shamrock paper side up on top of backing.  Add second icon face up.  Place second sheet over shamrock, and smooth out wrinkles.

5. If using a hot laminator, run the sheet through the laminator (We ran them through ours twice just to be sure).

6. Cut out the shamrock (for self-laminating use the first shamrock sheet as template to cut out second sheet).  Leave a little space outside of the top lines to punch a hole.

7. Run yarn through the hole and tie it to make a hanger.

Hang it in a window to see the stain-glass effect.  However, I recommend only hanging it in direct light during the week of the feast.  If you leave it long-term, the tissue paper will begin to fade from the sunlight.

Instructional Video

One Orthodox Mother's Perspective on Positive Discipline

When I was having my first child, I heard about many parenting books I should read.  And I avoided them like the plague.  After all, none of the "experts" agree on the best way to raise children.  Some take the Old Testament stance "spare the rod spoil the child."  Others go to the opposite extreme, "Don't spank children.  Let them do what they want, and they'll be just fine."  And, of course, if you admit to using any particular form of discipline with your children someone will be offended by your choice and have plenty of advice to give about why you're doing it wrong.  So, long ago, I figured I'd just do what I thought best and muddle through as best I could.  After all, that’s what my parents had done, and my four sisters and I largely turned out okay.

            Then, two months ago my daughter's school offered a Positive Discipline class.  I'll admit right here that about that time I had been feeling like every day was a failing fight to gain some sort of order in the house and cooperation from the kids.  No one wanted to pick up after herself.  Everyone wanted to do her own thing, go to bed when she wants, eat all the junk she wants, etc.  And the girls were picking at each other over every little thing.  I found myself waking up in a grumpy mood, feeling tense all the time, constantly shouting "just stop it" or "pick up your toys."  So, I decided I should swallow my pride, admit I don't know everything about parenting, and take this class.

            Now I went into it hoping it would be helpful but expecting it really to be a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" that would likely offend my Orthodox sensibilities.  To my pleasant surprise, I was wrong.  The essential foundation to this method of discipline is one of which our Lord would certainly approve.  Discipline should teach kids the skills they need to become happy, well-adjusted adults, and above all it should be kind, firm, and respectful to all.  Okay, I've heard this elsewhere already, and I know that in the moment it's hard to do.  I have started off kind and firm on many occasions, only to meet with stubborn, resolute opposition, and find myself shouting, "That's enough.  Just go to your room."

            So, how do you implement kind and firm discipline?  Well, that's the next thing I loved about this class.  It provided a variety of tools to use in any situation.  If one doesn't work, move on and try another, or let your child decide how to handle the situation.  Never revert to shame or punishment, always act with respect and love.  Sometimes it's as simple as diffusing the situation with a hug.  Other times might call for curiosity questions that encourage children to think for themselves, make choices, and live with the natural consequences of those choices.  And if no one can decide how to handle a given situation, you can turn it over to the Wheel of Choice.  This is a tool that can be made with your children before problems arise.  Basically, it's a pie graph that names all the things that might help your child to calm down, think rationally, or get out of a sticky situation.

            My favorite tool by far, though, is the family meeting.  We've held two of these.  If there's a problem and you don't know how to handle it in the moment, put it on a family agenda.  Then once a week at the family meeting, everyone can give ideas for solutions, and come to a consensus to try out for a week.  After a week, you can re-evaluate and adjust the solution as necessary.  Let me give you a few examples from my life.

            As I mentioned above getting everyone to pick up their things is a big challenge in our household.  So, we stole an idea from other families who use Positive Discipline, and at our family meeting we agreed to make a "disappearing box."  If things were left out in common areas, anyone could warn the owner and then put them in the disappearing box if they were still not put away.  Items remained in the box for a week until the next meeting or could be retrieved by paying a 50¢ fine.  There was definite improvement after a week, but when it came time for Saturday morning bedroom cleaning, we hit a wall.  So, we put the issue back on the agenda and revised it.  We added a stipulation that if you didn't clean your stuff on Saturday, you couldn't get your disappearing box items back that week.  And if anything remained in the box for over two weeks, we would donate those items to Good Will or our church rummage sale.  I haven't had to put anything into the disappearing box for a couple of days, so I am hopeful that this is the beginning of a new habit in our family.

            Another example of Positive Discipline working in our family involves our daily routines.  Everyone knows that children need familiar routines to feel comfortable and happy.  Positive Discipline encourages you to let your child create her own routines for those parts of the day that you most need it.  For us, this is bedtime for Bumble Bee, and after school through bedtime for Hummingbird.  So, last weekend, I sat down with each of the girls, and we made lists of everything that needed to get done for them to complete their routines.  For Bumble Bee's bedtime routine, this meant having dinner, putting on pajamas, saying prayers, brushing teeth, reading a story, and being tucked in.  We let her choose the order in which everything would happen.  Then, we made a poster with words and pictures of the order of the routine.  Now, when we finish dinner, instead of saying, "It's time to brush your teeth" a million times.  I can say, "What's next on your routine chart?"  And she knows what she needs to do next and does it.

            One final premise that I'd like to mention about Positive Discipline is that everyone, including children, need to feel a sense of belonging and significance.  At church this manifests itself and is fulfilled by serving as altar boys, singing in the choir, or even passing the collection basket.  Oftentimes, when we get home to our busy lives, though, it seems easier to take care of tasks ourselves so they'll get done more quickly or better.  Children's contributions aren't needed as they once were.  However, it can make a great difference if we allow them to contribute as they can.  So, when I first started the Positive Discipline class, I realized that there was plenty my children wanted to do to help, but I was in too much a hurry to let them.  Now, they take turns watering the plants, which I always forgot anyway.  Hummingbird sets the table every night, and Bumble Bee helps me cook.  She takes kids' cooking classes from time to time and loves to cook!  So, I stopped rushing about and started letting them both contribute.

            This method of discipline may not be right for everyone, and my family is not perfect.  We are still learning to implement it and trying to remember all of the tools at our disposal in the heat of the moment.  However, I already feel we're making some small progress.  Just as we are taught in the Church that sin is just missing the mark, and we can repent and try again.  So, too, Positive Discipline emphasizes that mistakes will be made and each misbehavior or mistake is an opportunity to learn a new life skill or practice what we've already learned.  If you are looking for a new method of discipline that teaches children the values we all wish we had anyway, Christian values really, this is a great option. There are many books, and tools you can buy to help you implement Positive Discipline.  They may be useful, although for some of them you could certainly create your own versions, so I don't necessarily recommend jumping online and buying them.  I do recommend checking out the Positive Discipline Blog, though, where you can learn more and get a few tips to get started.